I have this pressure just sitting upon my chest, and this pressure is working its way up into my throat. That pressure is the direct result of furiously suppressed tears. I refuse to release them. I'm tired of them. I want to go back to the time when I was always happy, and always full of positive thoughts. When did I become this person that's sad more often than not? It's as if I'm grieving. I guess you could say I'm mourning the loss of my dreams of love. A love I've never even had. Don't get me wrong, I've had moments where I thought I was in love, and where I thought I was loved. But I now realize that wasn't love. When someone loves you they do not lie to you with almost every breath they take. They do not belittle your every action, your every thought. They do not degrade you so often, that you start to believe you really aren't smart, that you really aren't "worth it". I know I am worth "it". It took me awhile to get to the place where I remembered my worth, but I am there. I will not let another person knock me down into that deep, and dark hole again. But that doesn't mean that I don't mourn.
What am I mourning? Am I mourning a love that Disney told me I would have one day? A day when my Prince would come charging up on his big white (although I prefer black) horse, and sweep me off of my feet to live happily ever after? Am I mourning those dreams of love where I meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have 2.5 children. Have a family of my own. Those were my dreams while growing up. I never dreamed of making it big in the corporate world, or setting the world on fire. I grew up wanting to make a home for someone. I grew up wanting to shelter this mans heart in my heart. Hold this man in my arms. Help make this mans dreams come true. THIS IS WHAT I MOURN.
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