I have this pressure just sitting upon my chest, and this pressure is working its way up into my throat. That pressure is the direct result of furiously suppressed tears. I refuse to release them. I'm tired of them. I want to go back to the time when I was always happy, and always full of positive thoughts. When did I become this person that's sad more often than not? It's as if I'm grieving. I guess you could say I'm mourning the loss of my dreams of love. A love I've never even had. Don't get me wrong, I've had moments where I thought I was in love, and where I thought I was loved. But I now realize that wasn't love. When someone loves you they do not lie to you with almost every breath they take. They do not belittle your every action, your every thought. They do not degrade you so often, that you start to believe you really aren't smart, that you really aren't "worth it". I know I am worth "it". It took me awhile to get to the place where I remembered my worth, but I am there. I will not let another person knock me down into that deep, and dark hole again. But that doesn't mean that I don't mourn.
What am I mourning? Am I mourning a love that Disney told me I would have one day? A day when my Prince would come charging up on his big white (although I prefer black) horse, and sweep me off of my feet to live happily ever after? Am I mourning those dreams of love where I meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have 2.5 children. Have a family of my own. Those were my dreams while growing up. I never dreamed of making it big in the corporate world, or setting the world on fire. I grew up wanting to make a home for someone. I grew up wanting to shelter this mans heart in my heart. Hold this man in my arms. Help make this mans dreams come true. THIS IS WHAT I MOURN.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Am I even here?
What am I doing? Why am I here? Why do I feel the need to write this down? Well, whatever the reasons are, I'm going to write it all down until I don't feel the need to say it....
Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be alone? It's not that I don't like being alone. For the most part I'm ok with it. I like myself. I think I'm funny. I think I'm giving. I enjoy my own company. But it's the being alone ALL THE TIME that is really starting to get to me. I would love to come home from work, and know that someone is waiting for me. Someone that I can share my thoughts with. Someone I can cook with. Someone I can go and do things with. Someone to sit and watch television with if that is what we wanted to do. Someone to ride along and sing in the car with. Someone to bake special treats for. Someone to care for. Someone to just BE with. Just to share the everyday aspects of life with....
I'm tired of the silence. "A silence sometimes I can hear." That's a line from one of my favorite songs. Godsmack's, "What If". In my opinion, it's a really good song. As with most Godsmack songs, there really is a meaning behind their lyrics.
I *met* someone online. I knew from the get-go nothing would EVER become of it. There's a fairly large geographical distance between the two of us. That's not to say that I would not have considered relocating if things were to progress, but some things you just... know.
Anyway, he's extremely intelligent, genuinely funny, seems to have a good and giving heart, has an incredible sarcastic wit, he's got a bit of a *dark side*, he's dominant, and physically, he's exactly my "type". Whaaat? I mean, really... Could there be a more perfect man out there for me? Maybe, maybe not. But the thing is, he is who I want. Or at least the attributes I've named are what I want and need. However, apparently *I'M* not what he wants or needs. And that folks, makes me sad. I just know I could help make his life a little brighter, a little more funny, a little more passionate... It looks as if I'll never get that chance to prove that I am worth it. That I am worth the risk. Have I mentioned that makes me sad? I have? Oh, well, let me say it again... That makes me sad. But as I've come to learn throughout my life, the world and time do not stop for me, and life goes on.
Time.... Whew... That's another subject altogether, and one for another day.
Even though I am here on this earth, with family and friends that love me, I still feel as if I am invisible. Am I even here?
Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be alone? It's not that I don't like being alone. For the most part I'm ok with it. I like myself. I think I'm funny. I think I'm giving. I enjoy my own company. But it's the being alone ALL THE TIME that is really starting to get to me. I would love to come home from work, and know that someone is waiting for me. Someone that I can share my thoughts with. Someone I can cook with. Someone I can go and do things with. Someone to sit and watch television with if that is what we wanted to do. Someone to ride along and sing in the car with. Someone to bake special treats for. Someone to care for. Someone to just BE with. Just to share the everyday aspects of life with....
I'm tired of the silence. "A silence sometimes I can hear." That's a line from one of my favorite songs. Godsmack's, "What If". In my opinion, it's a really good song. As with most Godsmack songs, there really is a meaning behind their lyrics.
I *met* someone online. I knew from the get-go nothing would EVER become of it. There's a fairly large geographical distance between the two of us. That's not to say that I would not have considered relocating if things were to progress, but some things you just... know.
Anyway, he's extremely intelligent, genuinely funny, seems to have a good and giving heart, has an incredible sarcastic wit, he's got a bit of a *dark side*, he's dominant, and physically, he's exactly my "type". Whaaat? I mean, really... Could there be a more perfect man out there for me? Maybe, maybe not. But the thing is, he is who I want. Or at least the attributes I've named are what I want and need. However, apparently *I'M* not what he wants or needs. And that folks, makes me sad. I just know I could help make his life a little brighter, a little more funny, a little more passionate... It looks as if I'll never get that chance to prove that I am worth it. That I am worth the risk. Have I mentioned that makes me sad? I have? Oh, well, let me say it again... That makes me sad. But as I've come to learn throughout my life, the world and time do not stop for me, and life goes on.
Time.... Whew... That's another subject altogether, and one for another day.
Even though I am here on this earth, with family and friends that love me, I still feel as if I am invisible. Am I even here?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)