Am I even here?

What am I doing?  Why am I here?  Why do I feel the need to write this down?  Well, whatever the reasons are, I'm going to write it all down until I don't feel the need to say it....


Is this all there is to my life?  Will I always be alone?  It's not that I don't like being alone.  For the most part I'm ok with it.  I like myself.  I think I'm funny.  I think I'm giving.  I enjoy my own company.  But it's the being alone ALL THE TIME that is really starting to get to me.  I would love to come home from work, and know that someone is waiting for me.  Someone that I can share my thoughts with.  Someone I can cook with.  Someone I can go and do things with.  Someone to sit and watch television with if that is what we wanted to do.  Someone to ride along and sing in the car with.  Someone to bake special treats for.  Someone to care for.  Someone to just BE with.  Just to share the everyday aspects of life with....


I'm tired of the silence.  "A silence sometimes I can hear."  That's a line from one of my favorite songs.  Godsmack's, "What If".  In my opinion, it's a really good song.  As with most Godsmack songs, there really is a meaning behind their lyrics. 


I *met* someone online.  I knew from the get-go nothing would EVER become of it.  There's a fairly large geographical distance between the two of us.  That's not to say that I would not have considered relocating if things were to progress, but some things you just... know. 


Anyway, he's extremely intelligent, genuinely funny, seems to have a good and giving heart, has an incredible sarcastic wit, he's got a bit of a *dark side*, he's dominant, and physically, he's exactly my "type".  Whaaat?  I mean, really...  Could there be a more perfect man out there for me?  Maybe, maybe not.  But the thing is, he is who I want.  Or at least the attributes I've named are what I want and need.  However, apparently *I'M* not what he wants or needs.  And that folks, makes me sad.  I just know I could help make his life a little brighter, a little more funny, a little more passionate...  It looks as if I'll never get that chance to prove that I am worth it.  That I am worth the risk.  Have I mentioned that makes me sad?  I have?  Oh, well, let me say it again...  That makes me sad.  But as I've come to learn throughout my life, the world and time do not stop for me, and life goes on. 


Time....  Whew...  That's another subject altogether, and one for another day.


Even though I am here on this earth, with family and friends that love me, I still feel as if I am invisible.  Am I even here?